Hitachi Revives Iconic Magic Wand to Compensate for Flaccid US Brand Image
AI Rendering of Hitachi Wand 2.0
(Tokyo, Japan) In A Bold Move, Hitachi Ltd. is bringing back its iconic Magic Wand Vibrator as the centerpiece of its brand re-launch in North America and Europe. In an interview with the Financial Times, Hitachi Ltd's Chairman Toshiaki Higashihara stated, "We asked consumers in the US and Europe what Hitachi means to them, and they almost unanimously stated, 'Quality orgasms at an affordable price.'" Hitachi exited the marital aid business in 20013, selling the Magic Wand product line to US-based Vibratex in 2013, but still appears to be basking in what is known as a "brand halo."
Hitachi has been hit with several scandals, including bid-rigging, nuclear power plant failures, significant US environmental violations, and data breaches. Hitachi waited until 2001 to finally apologize for using slave labor during WWII in its factories.(1) In 2003 Hitachi bought IBM's disk drive business. Surprisingly, it placed Dr. Jun Naruse in charge of the new entity. During the early 1980's, the FBI arrested Dr. Naruse and a team of Hitachi engineers for trying to steal trade secrets related to their storage products from IBM. (2) "It's like watching someone pecked to death by a duck," stated brand specialist Topher McDaniel, a senior consultant at the consumer branding firm Profit. "Much like Virtucon, the soulless conglomerate that was the front company for Austin Powers' evil empire, Hitachi struggles to do anything likable. Going back to its roots as a marital aid company has a lot of merits," stated McDaniel.
Hitachi brought in experts from its internal consulting arm, Hitachi Consulting, to assess the situation and define a path forward. After struggling with the problem for two years, they recommended implementing Microsoft Dynamics. Hitachi then decided to bring in real consultants. The real consultants posed thorny questions to Hitachi Ltd, Senior management. They asked, 'How do your business lines relate to each other?'; 'Can you explain what all these organizational entities are and what all these layers do?' ; 'Why does your management team reflect almost zero racial, ethnic, or gender diversity?'; 'Do you still use slave labor?' Chairman Higashihara. stated, "We had trouble answering any of these questions until they asked, 'Are there a product that Hitachi made that consumers actually like?' That's when a light came on", stated Chairman Higashihara.
Last year, Hitachi secretly shifted engineers from their social infrastructure, heavy equipment, and nuclear power divisions to collaborate on the Magic Wand 2.0 design. "We are looking at making dramatic changes to the original design. Magic Wand 2.0 will be powered by a small nuclear reactor, thus eliminating annoying battery outages during enthused use. We decided to have it share the orange color scheme used by our heavy equipment to improve safety and aid people in finding it in piles of soiled bedding. Hitachi has worked hard to keep this project secret. Hitachi developed the product under the code-named "Divine Tickle," a play on the word Tsunami which means "Divine Wind." "We knew that Fuji Heavy industries was also working on an equivalent product, so we needed to move fast." stated a visually enthused Higashihara.
Hitachi will be using a multi-level marketing strategy to drive sales of the Magic Wand 2.0. We are recruiting people to have "parties" at their homes where they demonstrate the wand along with other Hitachi products. Mr. Higashihara, and the entire Hitachi executive team will hit the road to provide "air-cover" for the parties and build "buzz" for the product. "We have been seen as distant, unaware of the needs of the US consumer. Having our executives out on the road, pitching this product at home "parties," will show our commitment to this historic and inspiring pivot. I will attend Darla Park's home party in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma in June. This Magic Wand 2.0 should be a welcome addition to the items she sells in her monthly boudoir trunk sale. Most of her bible study group will be there for my visit!"
Fact Checker: Maybe being pecked to death by a duck is a valid alternative
1) https://edition.cnn.com/2001/WORLD/asiapcf/east/07/02/japan.war.apology/index.html
Excerpt from the article:
"Japanese electronics giant Hitachi issued a public apology Sunday for using Chinese and Korean forced labor during World War II. In a meeting with representatives of the victims, Hitachi President Etsuhiko Shoyama expressed 'deep remorse and heartfelt apologies' for the company's actions. Hitachi used about 700 Chinese and 100 Korean laborers at its factories in Japan during the war, according to company officials. Shoyama promised that the company would work to resolve any remaining issues related to compensation for the victims."
2) Hitachi (https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/business/1983/06/28/sting-tapes-stir-anger-at-hearing/a9ee7867-3ad5-413e-93bb-cd9aa419475c/ )