Netflix- For Better or For Worse, in Sickness and in Health
Photo by Thibault Penin on Unsplash
By Kim Soo Bok
LONDON, UK—In a Bold Move, Nicholas Johnson married his Netflix account. After citizens were required to download an app to track people’s movements and create virtual heat maps, Nicholas Johnson started tracking his body heat in relation to the machines he could not part from, in his home. He decided after the weeks of quarantine to marry Netflix in a broadly attended virtual wedding on Twitch that went viral on the internet and spawned scores of copycat unions.
At the live virtual wedding, Linda Ono, Professor in New Media at the University of California at Berkeley objected, “Netflix may be a data digger and this may all be a giant corporate and government ploy to keep you quietly tracked, like how Bollywood was funded by the government to distract people with films of romance, samosas, and banging belly dancers, from thinking about what’s happening beyond their immediate desires, at the political and systemic levels. Also, don’t you wish for real sex again?”
There were millions of “thumb-down” replies to Professor Linda Ono’s objection from the “Forever ManBabies Forum” as the viral wedding continued.
In a postnuptial telephone interview, Johnson affirmed how he came to choose Netflix as his “Life Platform”. “Before the crisis, I was looking for a partner that understood my needs, was both funny and serious when I needed them to be. I wanted someone that I could learn from and grow with… someone who was there for me 24/7 but asked nothing from me when I wasn’t available. Once the crisis hit and with the new intimacy of the quarantine, I came to the realization that this partner had been with me all along... Netflix. Netflix also does not judge me for my tastes in porn or ask me to switch channels. As we’re taking things to the next level, I want to give Netflix total control and my devotion. I want Netflix to tell me what to watch next as long as it still lets me skip commercials, what snacks to eat and auto-order it on Amazon Fresh, what couch to sit on for the ultimate comfort, and the tracking bondage and toys I should wear to help her tell me what to watch next. I don’t know when it all happened but I really trust her.”
Johnson was quite open about the relationship with Netflix. “In the beginning, I kept her all to myself, but after time, I was curious if she was open to sharing. I gave my cousin my login and it was easier than any previous poly setups. Then my sister logged on and I found Netflix was really open to being open. We even shared with our mother. Mum was a bit skeptical at first but she came around. I found the more we shared, the more her suggestive behaviours got more interesting and diverse. I am hooked for life.”