New CDC Warning: Vomiting During Trump Press Conference May Not Necessarily Protect Viewers From Re-Vomiting

Photo by Polina Zimmerman from Pexels

By Jeff Mosier

In a bold move, CDC chief Robert R. Redfield is warning viewers sickened by President Trump’s toxic Covid-19 television appearances against complacency.

“We’re hearing anecdotally that a high percentage of viewers are vomiting during these press conferences, and that some individuals are blowing chunks after only a few blatantly false, idiotic, or self-aggrandizing utterances by the president,” Redfield told WABC’s Todd Warren in an exclusive interview Tuesday morning. “Those with pre-existing conditions like empathy, decency, or a highly sensitive bullshit meter may be especially vulnerable. It’s been reported that nibbling on a Saltine, taking a few sips of a sugary carbonated beverage, or imagining that Barak Obama is still president can temporarily alleviate these symptoms for most, but this should not inspire false confidence.”

“Vigilance is the key to preventing re-vomiting,” Redfield continued. “We’re not talking about recovering from a Cinco de Mayo tequila bender here, where you can simply boot and rally. The president’s psychotic shitshow is a powerful pathogen that should not be underestimated, and those viewers who think they can just yak once and then immediately re-expose themselves to the sight of the president’s saggy orange jowls and creepy, dead shark eyes run a very high risk of re-vomiting.”

Redfield recommends turning off the TV immediately after the initial hurling incident to decrease the likelihood of re-vomiting, adding that “a naive reliance on simply ‘going to your happy place’ during the president’s remarks is a recipe for disaster.”

Fact Checker: I tried drinking bleach