Pence on the Demise of Rural Hospitals - “Hallelujah!”

Photo by Owen Beard on Unsplash

By Jeff Mosier

In a bold move, Vice President Mike Pence has proposed allowing hundreds of imperiled rural hospitals to shut their doors for good, despite expert warnings that their collapse will threaten the well-being of millions of small-town Americans who depend on them to treat everything from colds to cancer. 

Pence appeared ecstatic when confronted by reporters after an emergency closed-door meeting with health care industry leaders. “Leave it to the godless secularists in the media and the scientific community to make a miracle seem like a disaster,” Pence said with a rueful shake of his head. “This is actually great news: Jesus Christ, MD can now reclaim his rightful place in healing disease.”

“Look at it this way: Would you rather have tubes up your nose, or the gentle hands of Reverend Kenneth Copeland gently caressing your disease-ravaged torso?” Pence paused, then murmured dreamily, “Smooth, gentle, sweet-smelling hands….”

After re-gaining his composure, the Vice President continued: “Look, tele-medicine is supposed to be the hot new thing, right? Well, for decades now, our evangelical brethren have pioneered that technology by healing thousands right through their TV screens. And while they don’t accept Blue Cross or Obamacare, they do take cash, check, or credit, greatly simplifying the payment process for patients. By applying common-sense, tried-and-true treatments like group prayer, the laying on of hands, and precisely targeted snake-handling, the Trump administration is confident that even the most critically ill patients can be back on their feet and speaking in tongues in no time.”