Putin Warns Trump: Your Fellow Dictators are Embarrassed by You
Photo by Jørgen Håland on Unsplash
In a Bold Move, Russia’s President Vladimir Putin openly complained that President Trump is giving dictators a bad name. In an interview with the TASS Russian News Agency, President Putin reflected, “I feel bad criticizing a man who has been my fawning sycophant for the last three years, but he is becoming an embarrassment. It requires cunning and nuance if you are going to oppress your people in a scalable and lasting manner. I’ve been in power for 20 years, but it appears that he will be run out of office on a rail within a matter of months if he does not take swift action.” President Putin had very specific advice for his adoring friend: “When we had riots last year, we made sure that our security services beat and imprisoned people of all races and nationalities. Sure the Blacks, the Mexicans, and the Gays all know that you hate them, but to be truly in control everyone needs to fear you. If I had only abused Chechens, all of the others would have felt safe and I would have lost control.”
President Putin was particularly appalled by the recent Bible photo-op saying, “True dictators don’t do photo-ops holding a Bible. If you are going to waste your time out in front of the public, make sure it is to attend a military parade or to ride a tiger shirtless.” In a related piece of advice, Mr. Putin added, “You need to lose some weight. People are never going to fear you if you look like the misshapen love child from an unspeakable tryst between Kim Jong-un and an orangutan. In a recent meeting I had with President Bashar-al-Assad of Syria, he questioned whether you can still see your manhood given your fat gut.”
He also had very specific advice about how President Trump should treat the media. “Stop whining like a little Estonian girl about the press-- if you don’t like the coverage, just kill a journalist.” And he expressed concern about Trump’s infatuation with Twitter explaining, “For me ‘twitter’ is the last sound that exits a journalist's mouth when you crush his esophagus.”
Putin’s final advice was cautionary. “Dictators who find themselves in a bunker are not long for this world. Just look at Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler and Nicolae Ceaușescu. The only dictator that gets a free pass to go in and out of the bunker is that fat bastard Kim Jong-un, but I have a feeling that his days are numbered too. Your base is made up of uneducated, heavily armed peasants. If they ever figure out your game, they will shoot you and roast you on a spit like a fat orange hog. ”
Fact Checker: Lighten up Vlad. The country is busy rolling in Greatness.