Trump Organization Properties Repurposed as COVID-19 Test Sites
Photo by Bee Naturalles on Unsplash
In A Bold Move, The Trump Organization will re-purposing its hotel and resort properties to offer innovative fecal COVID-19 testing to the public. In his daily COVID-19 press conference, President Donald Trump announced the test offering “We are offering the perfect test. It tests to see if you have the bacteria, which I don’t have, and if you have the anti-immune bodies and have been exposed to bad stuff, I mean really bad stuff. It was developed by scientists at Trump University, the best scientists in the world. I’ve seen scientists and these guys are the good ones. Ivanka has been supervising the development personally. She has been committed, so totally committed to this effort that she even provided the first control sample. It was a perfect sample, so pure, so bacteria-free……………...”.
The idea actually came from the President’s son Eric Trump, who was thumbing through the March 20th, 2020 copy of Science daily, titled: “COVID-19 Found in Sputum and Feces Samples after Pharyngeal Specimens No Longer Positive”
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/03/200330110348.htm
Recalling the incident, Ms. Trump stated, “When he saw the word ‘feces” he started to laugh. He’s a child at heart, he still loves a good “poop” joke after being read a pop-up book before going to bed. As a rule, the men in my family would normally distrust such an article like this because it was written by scientists, had no pictures, and had a lot of multi-syllable words. For me, I immediately saw an opportunity to help the community and our family business.” stated a proud Ms. Trump.
According to the instructions on the Trump Organization website, the test process appears much easier to administer than a traditional swab test. For the “Perfect Test”, patients can simply defecate into a sealable container of their choice. They are then instructed to write their name and email addresses on the container with a black Sharpie then deliver it to any Trump or Kushner branded property. To comply with social distancing guidelines, patients are asked to walk or drive by the Trump or Kushner facility and yell, “Hey Ivanka, this is for you”, and throw it at the nearest available entrance and then quickly drive or walk away. Once a patient has departed, a lab technician dressed as either a doorman or security officer will collect the sample. It is then transported to Trump Labs, the research arm of Trump University, where it is analyzed. When complete, patients receive an email asking them to enter their credit card information and immigration status, Once entered, the test results are revealed along with a link directing them to products and services, personally curated by Ivanka that can either protect or treat the COVID-19 virus.
(https://www.inaboldmove.com/news/ivanka-trump-releases-a-full-line-of-covid-19-themed-products )
When asked about the offering, Mark Finucane, an assistant doorman at the Trump Parc in New York City stated, “Ever since Mr. Trump became president, every smart ass wants to walk by our building and throw disgusting things at our entrance. Only Ivanka is brilliant enough to figure out how to monetize this type of response while building on the Trump brand. Her father must be so proud. ”.