Ted Cruz to President Trump: “Forgive me, you were right--- my current wife is not hot enough to be First Lady.”
Source: Satan’s family album
In a Bold Move, Texas Senator Ted Cruz admitted that President Trump was right about his “not hot” current wife. In a thoughtfully written Wall Street Journal op-ed, Mr. Cruz stated. “During the 2016 Republican Presidential Primary, then candidate Donald Trump posted a picture of my average looking wife and compared her to his beautiful wife. While it made me mad and I lashed out at him then, I now really regret my vociferous disagreement with his astute observations regarding the attractiveness of my current wife. While highly educated, successful in business, and the mother of my two children, I stand loyal with President Trump on all positions, including his position on the hotness of my current wife,” stated the Texas Senator. ‘
Senator Cruz, one of Trump’s closest allies in the Senate, has been valiantly leading the Stop the Steal effort in the Senate. In the unlikely event that President Trump does not launch a campaign to regain his presidency in 2024, Senator Cruz has launched an exploratory committee to evaluate a 2024 run. In preparation, the campaign recently polled those who have strongly supported President Trump in the past to better understand the viability of Heidi Cruz as First Lady. Appealing to this segment will be critical for Senator Cruz in his potential run for the presidency.
The poll involved showing 267 strong Trump supporters photos of Mrs. Cruz from all angles-- in a bathing suit, in evening wear and in a latex onesie playing Twister with several prior contestants from the cast of The Bachelor. To eliminate the potential for any “competency bias”, her name, educational background and career history were masked. After seeing the photos, the audience was asked just one question: “Is this gal hot enough to be a First Lady?” The results were concerning, as only 22% of loyal Trump supporters found Mrs. Cruz hot enough.
To understand any potential impact of her competency on the results, the pollsters also shared Mrs. Cruz’s credentials with a portion of the audience. Mrs. Cruz graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Claremont McKenna College and has two master’s degrees, including a Harvard MBA. Her professional accomplishments include earning the title of Managing Director at the investment bank Goldman Sachs.
When her credentials were exposed to the sub-segment, her hotness potential went down even further with only10% of Trump supporters finding her hot enough to be First Lady. Most damning were the focus group interview results with randomly selected members of this group. Verbatims included:
“A Harvard MBA-- she must be very nasty.”
“So what if she is Managing Director at some store called Goldman Sachs. Big deal! My wife is the night manager at our local dollar store and she is so much hotter.”
“I hear if you shop at Goldman Sachs you have to wear a mask.”
“What a waste-- a man like Ted could have married a cheerleader.”
Fortunately for Senator Cruz, in a separate poll his two daughters were considered statistically hot enough to be First Children. Cruz would have been facing a very tough decision if the polling was not consistent between them. “The girls get along well and share a Jack and Jill bathroom,” he shared. “It would be so hard for them to be split up, especially since I’m considering trading up from their mother. Neither of the girls have Ivanka’s hotness, but with a little work they could function at Tiffany Trump level.”
Fact Checker: Mrs. Cruz, if he trades up, I recommend that you find a rabid badger, kill it, remove its spine and stuff it with the pages of a thesaurus. It might remind you of your husband.