JD Powers Awards the Capitol Police, DHS and FBI "5-Stars" for Customer Service.

Photo by LOGAN WEAVER on Unsplash of a Capitol Police Customer Service Agent

In a Bold Move, JD Powers has awarded the US Capitol Police, DHS and the FBI its 5-Star award for Customer Service. In a news conference today, Chad Wolf, Director of Homeland Security, stated, "Our reviews were horrible coming out of the Lafayette Park tear-gassing of peaceful protestors. We knew we needed to do better. We knew that this one would involve white people that looked like us and are likely to hit back. These are the type of folks that can appreciate good service. We knew if we did this one right, we could achieve the coveted 5-Star rating."

To prepare for the easily foreseeable riot, DHS contracted with Ideo, the Silicon Valley-based industrial design firm, to enhance the "total rioter" experience. Rowen Rodgers, Ideo Partner, worked with DHS to develop the ultimate riot experience. "A good riot needs a kick-off event to get people riled up, and then a call to action. Getting Don Jr. to stay on the script was tough, but with a little white powder, we were able to get him to say anything," stated Rodgers. "First, we considered giving out gift bags, but the logistics around that were going to be tough, so we settled for gift certificates. They are so much easier to carry when you are trying to scale a wall or climb through a window. Once they reached the Capitol's top steps, we were careful to move the barriers so no one would trip and fall. The last thing we need is a lawsuit. We even made sure that officers took off their masks and smiled when posing for selfies with rioters," shared Rodgers.

Rioters had only great things to say about the experience and are excited to come back and bring friends. "We did our best, but next time we will do even better," stated Wolf. "We did not anticipate how cold it would be and that many of the rioters would want to stay late. We really should have had heat lamps." Rioter David Nutter from Salt Lake City, Utah was very complimentary about his treatment, especially once in the Senate Chamber. "The whole thing exceeded my expectations-- it was well lit and comfortable and it makes me want to be a Senator! What blew me away was when one of the officers put water in my eyes after we were tear-gassed. He didn't need to do that, especially after I hit him with a baseball bat and called him a libtard stooge."

Many of the rioters came prepared for physical combat but came away feeling overdressed. "There were no rubber bullets, no batons-- hell, these guys were like the greeters at Walmart. After watching them beat the crap out of the Brandeis liberal arts majors in Lafayette Park, we were expecting attack helicopters. It gives me faith in our government that they recognized that we were white."

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