Webster’s Dictionary Updates the Definition of “Winning”

In a Bold Move, Merriam-Webster announced a new definition for the word “Winning”. The publisher announced that it will be redefining the word “Winning” in the 2021 version of its online and physical dictionaries. “Based on events over the past 4 years, we have decided that the meaning of this word has changed dramatically.  Given the advent of spell-check and auto-correct, we need to make sure that our dictionary continues to stay relevant.”

Webster has chosen the following additional definition for the word: Winning:

“ A point in time when a government reaches a state of chaos that its military has to defend itself from its leader.”

as in, 

“The US could finally tell that it was winning when it had to deploy 20,000 National Guard troops to defend itself from domestic terrorists incited by its sitting president Donald Trump.” 

Phil Hickey, a retired English teacher at Graland Country Day School in Denver, was contacted regarding his thoughts on this new definition.  “As a person who loves the written word, I have felt the existing definition of “Winning” was antithetical to how it has been used over the past four years.  Adding this additional definition will help to clarify its expanded meaning, especially as it applies to the upcoming inauguration.”   

When the mild-mannered teacher was asked about the word “Bigley” and whether it should also be included, his only comment was, “For fuck’s sake....!!!”  Our reporter was only able to calm Mr. Hickey down by asking him to speak about the importance of diagramming sentences in preparing children for future success.  The long term effect that this presidency has had on grammarians is hard to imagine. Many of them are still recovering from the Bush presidency.

Fact-Checker: Thank you, Mr. Hickey, for putting up with me in 9th grade.