DC Zoo Considers Euthanizing Ronald, the Elderly Orangutan, after Violent Incident
Photo by Rutpratheep Nilpechr
In a bold move, the Washington DC Zoo is seriously considering euthanizing Ronald, the elderly orangutan. "When he first arrived at the zoo, the public found it funny to watch him throw feces and bellow incoherently. Attitudes changed when he tried to take over the zoo, resulting in the tragic death of two zookeepers," stated Saffron McSweeny, the lead spokesperson for the DC zoo.
Many are amazed that Ronald has not been euthanized earlier, especially when a video of the killing of the Zoo keepers was live-streamed to the public on the zoo's Ape-o-vision camera. The footage demonstrated to all that have seen it Ronald's ability to activate even the most simple of monkeys into a rage-filled killing machine. Once the attack began, Ronald retreated to the corner of his enclosure, where he constructed a small mound out of his excrement. "This type of behavior is not unheard of in the ape community, "stated Jane Goodall, a famous primatologist. "Normally, an intact (non-castrated) ape would lead the charge of the troop, but it had come to be known that three years before the attack, Ronald mistook his own scrotum for a Mcdonalds Filet'o'fish sandwich and mistakenly bit it off in a " hanger " driven rage."
The 76-year-old ape has his supporters. "I love Ronald and all he represents," stated Duane Dollar Tree. (Mr. Dollar Tree changed his name from "Johnson" to "Dollar Tree," to win a 500-dollar shopping spree at the chain's Crakerville, VA store) "He acts the way we did when we were toddlers, hoarding food while bullying the animals that are smaller or weaker than him. I take my kids to watch that old fat monkey every time I catch them doing something woke, like caring for others, sharing, or using big words. After just a few minutes of watching that orange monkey, they return to eating bugs they find in each other's coats and throwing turds. Y'all got to realize that freedom sometimes smells like a dirty diaper™. "(1)
Supporters of Ronald feel that there will be a blowback from his loyal fans. "People love that orange monkey! He makes them feel strong, like when you see a disabled person struggle at something easy for you to do," stated Dollar Tree.
Several of the Zoo staff feel the correct solution would be to trade Ronald for a three-legged albino muskox that is currently a featured attraction in the Moscow zoo. Preliminary discussions between the two organizations are proceeding well, with both parties feeling it would constitute a fair trade. President Putin, the leader of Russia, has stated that he would find it "amusing" to have Ronald try to mate with another species, like a manatee or wombat. "We could put it on Russian TV, and people need something to laugh about now more than ever. Screw PETA; this is going to go viral." A recent poll on Twitter found that the public would prefer his first romantic encounter to be with Twitter's CEO. "Watching this could bring the world together," stated everybody.
1) "Freedom sometimes smells like a dirty diaper" is trademarked by Duane Dollar Tree Global LLC. Using this phase or any likeness of a fat ape wearing an ill-fitting diaper violates US and international copyright laws.
Fact Checker: I find this piece to be offensive to orangutans