Doctors Find a Large Inoperable Malignant Tumor in President Trump’s Colon

Photo taken at time of discovery of the Grahamoblastoma

In a Bold Move, doctors at Walter Reed Army Military Hospital discovered a large inoperable tumor in President Donald Trump’s  colon. Dr. Cyrus Wang, head of the hospital’s gastroenterology department, announced the finding in a somber press conference held Sunday morning.  “We have suspected something has been wrong with the President over the past three years, and the problem was confirmed following a routine colonoscopy.” 

Doctors were surprised by the finding given the results from his colonoscopy three years ago. The only anomalies found then were 12 pounds of undigested beef and a metal object wrapped around a polyp that appeared to be a nipple ring with the word “Stormy” engraved on it. 

“This growth is so large and so malignant that we see no way to remove it.  It seems to be so deep that it may have infiltrated his small intestine,” shared Dr. Wang.  Initial pathology reports have classified the tumor as a “Grahamobastoma”. This type of tumor, first discovered in South Carolina, seems to infiltrate the lower GI tract of people of power. “Our concern is that if we try to remove the tumor it would kill the patient.”

In addition to the Grahamoblastoma, the President was also found to have several untreated parasites including a nearly two meter Turtle Worm (Latin: Taenia Cestode Mitchmcconnellius). Unlike most intestinal parasites that enter through contaminated food or water, the Turtle Worm enters directly through the host’s anus when it is distracted by other activities like golf or Twitter.

Doctor’s found several hemorrhoids, but chose not to treat them given quality of life concerns. “The President was aware that he has had these hemorrhoids for years but for some reason he has decided to live with them. Stoically, he has even nicknamed them “Eric” and “Don Jr”, shared Dr. Wang. 

Vice President Mike Pence asked the nation to “pray for the President and his troubled digestive tract.”  This was a brave statement for the Vice President to make given that he most likely has been exposed to the same parasite given his close exposure to the President. 

Fact Checker: Our hopes and prayers go out to whatever has crawled up the President’s ass.