US Supreme Court Bans Use of “Kars4Kids” Song Against Demonstrators

Photo by Claire Anderson on Unsplash

In an 8 to 1 decision, the US Supreme Court has ruled that  the “Kars4Kids” song is cruel and unusual punishment when used against domestic protesters.  Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. stated, “This painful dirge can cause the strongest among us to crumble. Those exercising their constitutional right of free speech should not be subjected to this type of assault. I personally would rather be exposed to a cloud of mustard gas than have to listen to this song.”  Mustard gas was a chemical agent used during World War I as an anti-personnel weapon.  Following the war, it was banned by the Geneva Convention along with other chemical weapons.  Mr. Roberts continued in his opinion, “Even Bashar al-Assad himself has banned the use of “The Song” against civilians. This is a man who has used nerve agents against his own people in Syria.  I can’t imagine us using such a weapon against peaceful demonstrators exercising in our own country.”  In his ruling, Justice Roberts was careful to refer to the Kars4Kids song solely as “The Song” out of concern that naming it could cause it to get into people’s heads and drive them “batshit crazy”.  His concerns have been supported by scientific research as it has been found that 63% of mass shooters are found to have a recording of The Song on their person when either killed or captured.  

In controlled environments, The Song has also been found to be quite effective as an antibacterial and antiviral agent.  The FDA has ruled it to be a much safer alternative than irradiation to kill bacteria and viruses in food.  In a controlled test supervised by the FDA and the FAA, The Song has even been used to disinfect entire passenger planes. In an interview with Aviation Week and Space Technology,  Buford LeGrange, Vice President of Aircraft Maintenance for Spirit Airlines, weighed in saying, “The Song is very effective at killing anything and everything that it touches.  We used it in several disinfecting trials but unfortunately also found it caused an increase in accident rates.  Even with the best hearing protection available, maintenance workers became sterile after short exposures to The Song.  After three different attempts, we found no safe way to administer it. Just getting the lyrics into your head can cause anyone to go mad.  We are a crappy airline, but we are not a cruel one.”

Fact Checker: I’ll give you my car if you will just free those poor kids