Is Coal the Answer to the COVID-19 Crisis?

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In A Bold Move, Peapody Energy (NYSE:BTU) CEO Glenn L. Kellow, announced that scientists at the nation’s largest coal producer feel that coal may be the answer to the COVID-19 crisis.  Kellow states, “ We feel that coal contains the right ingredients to kill off any virus. Burning coal produces a myriad of toxic byproducts including, arsenic, cadmium, chromium, cobalt, copper, lead, selenium, thallium and uranium... a veritable killer cocktail for any living organism! We have looked at our data from 2006 to 2018 and we have not seen a single case of COVID-19 in any of our workers. After testing a representative sample of our workers utilizing a simple endoscope, we found that the mucus and the cells lining the lungs contained a mixture of compounds that was amazingly toxic.” 

Peabody is proposing that health care workers and first responders should inhale one gram of coal ash weekly as a prophylactic defense against contracting the COVID-19 virus. Kellow states, “ The coal ash infiltrates the alveolar sacs where gas exchange takes place in the lungs. It is in these same sacks where the virus attacks and causes pneumonia. In lab tests, Peopody scientists were unable to get any organic material to grow when placed in a mixture of coal ash and mucus taken from the lungs of chimpanzees, the creature having the closest genetic makeup to humans. In normal circumstances, health care workers would be wearing traditional personal protective equipment, but these are not normal times."  

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has thrown his weight behind the Peopody proposal and has encouraged CDC to fast track a trial to validate Peopoby’s claims. “We should move directly to human trials and not let caution get in the way of saving lives. This could be the game-changer that we have been looking for,” stated McConnell. When Dr. Anothy Fouchi was asked about the idea he stated, “It makes just as much sense as some of the other ideas that the President has proposed.” McConnel is looking to earmark $40 million dollars to support this study and others in how to use coal to help address the COVID-19 crisis.

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As with most things today, any resemblance to the truth is purely accidental.

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