Ivanka Trump Releases a Full Line of COVID-19 Themed Products
In a Bold Move, Ivanka Trump, first daughter and senior advisor to President Donald Trump, announced the launch of an innovative new Pre~Trial™ line of products focused on helping consumers better protect themselves and treat their COVID-19 virus symptoms. When asked what a Pre~Trial™ product was, Ms. Trump spoke candidly, “You know, just as we know there are facts and alternative facts, there is also science and alternative science. Or as my father likes to say, There are Many Paths, but only One Trump™.
“Pre~Trial™ is like getting a really good insider stock tip from a senior banker friend at Goldman. I mean, what’s to lose? These treatments are fast and affordable and they just feel right. They haven’t been through the meddlesome, time-consuming processes required by the FDA. We guarantee that all of our products have been given a thorough “gut check” by famous TV psychologist Dr. Phil, Iain Armitage, the child actor that plays the lead in CBS’s hit comedy show Young Sheldon, and at least one other actor who plays a doctor on TV and looks good in scrubs.” When asked why consumers should trust the gut instinct of Dr Phil, Mr. Armitage, or a random actor, Ms. Trump responded: “No one seems to question my husband’s credentials when it comes to solving Middle East peace, leading the COVID-19 crisis response, and restructuring the government...”
One Pre~Trial™ product generating plenty of Instagram buzz is The Ivanka N110 Mask™. To the uninitiated, they look like they’ve been constructed from bra cups first featured in Ivanka’s 2018 lingerie line. But looks can be deceiving. When asked what the 110 stands for, Ms. Trump stated, “The scientists at Trump Labs™ pioneered a form-fitting viscose polymer fabric that captures over 110% of all bacteria and virus particles, while also being machine washable. The “A”-sized masks are for children, “B” for adults with delicate surgically-refined noses like myself, “C” is for your average adult, and the “D” are for people with full, commanding faces like my father who need a little extra support.”
Unlike the unbranded masks that health care workers and first responders wear, The Ivanka N110™ comes in black, white or nude colors, each with lace accents that complement the quilted silk lining. “We recognize that some people, like my father, have fleshier faces with jowls and often multiple chins. For them, we offer our special extra support N110+Plus that comes with an underwire and padded straps.
When asked about the new product line, President Trump stated, “I don’t wear a mask, but if I did, It would be an Ivanka.”