US Air Force Apologizes for Mistaking a Bar Mitzvah Bouncy Castle for a Chinese Intelligence Balloon
Source: William Martin
Boca Raton, FL. In a bold move, the Secretary of the US Air Force, Frank Kendell III , apologized to the Schwartz family for taking out their rented inflated play structure with an AIM-9X all-aspect Sidewinder missile. Kendell III stated, “In today’s environment, tensions are running high. It is easy to make mistakes. In this case, we feel that we may have made an error.”
News crews at the scene were surprised that nobody was hurt. “We were so lucky that the Bar Mitzvah boy was up in the room showing his friends his new PlayStation 5. A skosh (Yiddish for a small distance) to the right and there would have been a tragedy, “stated Rabbi Kirshner, an honored guest of the Schwartz family.
The Air Force released its initial after-action report, explaining what led to the destruction of Schwartz’s UIPS (Unidentified Inflatable Play Structure). News of the UIPS first showed up on a Nextdoor Boca Raton posting. At Cheyanne Mountain, headquarters of North American Air Defense Command, Airman First Class Reno Zirpoli noticed the reposting on his nanna’s Facebook page. “She posts a lot of foolishness on Facebook. I should have known that this was just a play structure. She seemed so concerned,” voiced Zirpoli in an interview with Stars and Stripes. Zirpoli alerted his commanding officer, and in no time, two F-16D Fighting Falcons from the Air Force’s 482nd fighter wing were scrambled from Homestead Air Force Base. “We came in with the sun at our backs to ensure that we had the element of surprise,” stated Col. Steve “Jack Hammer” Whittaker. “Once the target was in range, we confirmed its identity based on a photo from the Nextdoor post. We then received permission to engage from an E3 Sentry (AWACS) that was coordinating the attack. We launched a single AIM-9X and then returned to base. I guess you know how it all ended, “stated Col. Whittaker.
At over $400, 000 per missile, the Air Force is questioning the wisdom of using such an expensive asset to take out such a “soft” target. Some military experts question whether an A-10, with its 30mm cannon firing depleted uranium rounds, would have been a more effective platform to engage the play structure. Surprisingly, Boca Raton is one of the few cities in Florida to ban depleted uranium rounds, except for home protection.
Graphic from Operation Mitzvah after action report: Randal Stevens, Artist
Schwartz’s lawyers are reviewing the rental agreement from Jupiter Bounce, the bouncy structure's purveyor, to see whether the missile strike would be considered a “force majeure” event. Force majeure is a French term that means “greater force.” It is related to the concept of an act of God, an event for which no party can be held accountable, such as a hurricane or a tornado. However, force majeure also encompasses human actions, such as armed conflict. Jupiter Bounce’s lawyers initially assumed that the incident would not fall under force majeure because no one at the Bar Mitzvah was armed.
As the Schwartzs look to resolve their rental agreement, the Department of Defense is using this incident as a wake-up call to address gaps in our domestic defense infrastructure. In an interview with NBC's Meet the Press, Secretary of Defense Lloyd J Austin stated, "The Schwartz Conflicts identified a gap between the tactical missions of the Air Force, Space Force, and the U.S. Postal Service. As Grenada and Panama were catalysts for improved interservice communication, the Schwartz Conflict is a real call to action to better integrate the U.S. Postal Service into our national defense infrastructure. We have a postal worker visiting the houses daily; leveraging these boots on the ground could have been a real game changer. We must consider arming postal workers and integrating them into our command structure. Although troubling, the Schwartz Conflict, in the long run, will only make us stronger as a nation.”
Fact Checker: I guess this makes as much sense as arming teachers